Forgotten Dreams

During my sophomore year of high school, I was going to take debate. I’d been terrified of public speaking for as long as I can remember, and I enrolled in the class to try and get rid of that for college. Being me, I actually dropped out of the class and enrolled in the pre-medicine class that all of my friends were in during the same class period. That had to have been the best decision of my high school career, aside from taking engineering classes or auditioning for high level choirs.

I’d never considered a career in medicine before this class. I’d heard about the perks of being a doctor, like the pay, the hours, things like that. But taking that course, seeing my first ever surgical video, learning more about the human body… it honestly changed my life. My mom’s an engineer and works with human bodies, but I never looked beyond that for myself. Seeing a video of someone getting a total knee replacement and not being disgusted but rather fascinated rocked my world. I knew from that day on that I wanted to be a doctor. I didn’t know what kind of doctor, I just knew that I wanted to be one.

I never anticipated the day that I would fall out of love with medicine. What makes someone fall out of love with the career they love? Or, I guess, it’s the career I thought I love.

My plans were to go to medical school and get my MD/PhD. I would become either an awesome surgeon or an awesome oncologist. I loved the idea of interacting with patients and practicing medicine. I had a “Grey’s Anatomy” equivalent fantasy of falling in love with another doctor, having super awesome smart babies, and retiring with a ton of money after having saved tons of lives and making lots of progress in the research field of my choice.

All of that changed when I actually met other people who were in my major and wanted to become doctors.

I like to think that I’m a nice person, and I understand other people don’t see me that way, but most people do think I’m really nice. I just kind of assumed that other pre-med students were nice too. All of the other pre-meds I had already met were nice, so why wouldn’t the others I met in college be nice too? I was wrong.

These people weren’t nice. They didn’t want to help other people get better unless they were their ride or die friends. They would rather squash other pre-med students like a bug under their foot than help them. I’ve only known one pre-med student in my career, maybe two (?) who didn’t want to tear down their fellow pre-med students. All of the others were assholes. Persuading residents in my hall to not vote for me for President of the hall. Not helping me when I was having issues, but just laughing at me for not understanding it. Always trying to one-up you. Everything is done carefully and is calculated as a way to make yourself look better to med schools and to look better on your resume.

I tell my friends and family that I switched from pre-med to the PhD track because I couldn’t live without research. While that’s true, it’s also because of these people that were also pre-med. These people weren’t just the other people in my classes. These were the people who would become my future colleagues or fellow surgeons or whatever other medical term you could think of. I couldn’t imagine working with these people because if they act this way in college, imagine what they act like when we’re competing for internship positions, or to become chief resident? I didn’t want to be stuck with these people for the rest of my life. So I had to make a decision. Which half of my career goals do I want to pursue? Do I want to be creative or stick by the rules? Do I want to experiment or interact with patients? I had to choose: myself, or my career?

I chose myself. And while I regret this, I also don’t. I’ll be happier in the long run, and that’s really all that matters.

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An Open Letter to the Government of the United States of America

Dear all involved in the Government of the United States of America,

Please, for the love of God, do your job.

We haven’t seen anything like this in the history of this country and our government system. This isn’t just obstruction of justice. This isn’t just the President benefiting from the position to benefit his own company and therefore his own wallet. This isn’t just a case of the President canoodling with a foreign government who is not considered our ally.

This. Is. Treason.

If Bill Clinton can be brought on impeachment charges for lying about getting a blowjob from an intern, why hasn’t Donald Trump been brought on these same charges for leaking highly classified information to Russian ambassadors, knowing that our elections have been tampered with by the Russian government, and using the office of the President to benefit his own wallet, all of which are explicitly written as charges that could lead to impeachment in our Constitution?

At what point does the state of your country come before the state of your party? Does the Russian government literally have to be on the brink of taking over our country before any Republicans take action? Yes, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, and all you other hardcore Trump supporting Congresspeople, we’re all looking at you to do two small things: Grow a pair (and by pair I mean a pair of ovaries because Lord knows you all need something other than balls at this point) and take some fucking action.

Will it take all of us threatening to not reelect you in 2018 that will get you to actually do your job and do something? Even though you probably won’t get reelected after this shit-show anyways? What has to happen for you all to do your jobs?

I’m only 20 years old, and I’m able to clearly recognize what needs to be done in order to save our democracy and save our country. If you all want to continue to support Trump, go ahead, but I have one question for you all: Is treason the thing that makes America great again? Asking for a friend.

We’re almost too far to go back. If Trump makes it another few months I, without reasonable doubt, think that our country will become a cutting board for Russian policy and basically (sorry in advance for the crude comparison) the hand that Putin uses to jack off with.

Please, for the love of all that is holy and cheesy, impeach Trump already. We’ve had enough, which you would know if you bothered to speak with normal, non-Republican people and attempted to empathize with any of us.

Do your jobs, or we will make damn sure that you never see the inside of the House or Senate ever again.

Thanks,

A very frustrated, young, liberal, democratic, patriotic, feminist bitch

… and that’s a wrap

Hi internet! So, since my last blog post, which was 10 days ago (oops!), I’ve almost officially completed my sophomore year of college! I’ve also moved out of my second home for the second time, which is not only exciting but also terrifying because that is a physical reminder about how much time i have left in college. I’ve loved (almost) every minute of my college career so far and I’m excited to start my summer class. I’ve ALSO changed my concentration in my mind so it’s not actually official, but I’m now studying chemical engineering with a biomedical concentration, and I want to get my PhD in either biomedical or tissue engineering and eventually move onto teaching and doing research at the University level! Maybe I’ll even be the Dean of the School of Engineering at a University somewhere, who knows!

The biggest thing that’s happened to me in the past couple of days in my living situation. My family has been planning on moving for a while but we’ve actually started getting ready to show our house. It’ll actually be ready to show by TUESDAY, so I’m kind of freaking out. I’ve lived in this house for 15 years and, as much as I can imagine living somewhere else, I also can’t imagine living anywhere else but here. I’ve drawn on all of these walls. I’ve slept in every bedroom in this house. I’ve made so many memories in this house and I honestly never want to leave it. But that’s not my decision to make, it’s my parents. More updates to come on the house, but I’m currently exhausted from the semester and cleaning everyday so I’m going to ~peace out~!

Communication Growth and Development

After my last blog post, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what actually happened and I’ve realized that it was probably for the better that I didn’t get the President position in my hall. Why? Because I was selected to be one of three Competition chairs through my leadership program! Every year this program puts together an engineering competition for high school students to compete against each other in various formats. In high school, I competed in this specific engineering competition twice, and competitions like this were my favorite part of my high school experience (aside from performing of course!), so I’m super excited to be able to plan this event with two other members of the program. However, we’ve already had some downfalls with this set-up and it’s barely been 24 hours since we’ve started.

Communication is going to be such an issue with this event. I’m literally going to be the only one out of the three of us that will be in the state over the entire summer, and the only one who will be able to meet with our advisers on a weekly or daily basis. If it didn’t already seem difficult to communicate there, throw in the fact that one of them will be out of the country and that we all have conflicting view points on how to proceed first and everything becomes twice as difficult. We each have different ideas of how things should be executed, but we can all agree that we want our cohort to have as much input on the actual competition as possible.

I guess that I just don’t know how to proceed from here. I really want to just take the reins and charge, but I can’t do that because everything has to be given the okay by the other two group members. It’s nice, because there are some things that I would do that probably shouldn’t be done right this instant. At the same time, however, I recognize that some of these things need to get done as soon as possible, which means they need to get done before the end of the semester. It’s not only extremely frustrating for me, but also extremely frustrating for everybody else in my cohort because they want information now that we just haven’t come to a consensus on.

How do you communicate rapidly with people who are going to be in another state or another country or another time zone? I honestly have no idea and this hasn’t been done before for our program, at least as far as I know. I want to make certain calls and get information out to the cohort, but nothing is happening for long periods of time. Granted, it’s only been a day, so I can’t really say what will happen for the duration of the Summer. But if we keep going on this track things are never going to get done before the competition.

A Declaration of War?

So, if you might remember from a post or two ago, I was freaking out about elections for the executive board where I was running for President against one of the girls in the group that has been dubbed “The Clique” by many. Well, those elections were last night. I did not get the position that I ran for, and instead was nominated for a lower position.

I’m honestly hurt by this, because I’ve found out what was said during the discussion period and a lot of it was attacks against me. These attacks weren’t basic things like “Oh, Bonnie isn’t organized.” No, these were things like “Bonnie is too emotional for this job” or “Bonnie doesn’t have the right personality for this position.” I’ve been struggling with how to deal with discovering these comments for the past twelve hours, and the only way I can think to deal with what I’m feeling is to write about it. Specifically, writing letters to the individuals who I feel attacked me on here. I don’t want to come across as whiny or ungrateful for getting the position that I did, but I’m honestly just so frustrated and hurt that I don’t know what to do otherwise. So, here we go. Here are my *explicit* open letters to “The Clique.”

Let’s start with the person I was running against. Madison, welcome to your letter.

Madison, there was probably nothing that you think you did wrong besides run against me. Wrong. When you went up there and started talking about how you wanted to improve our relationship with our brother hall, you started blurring the line between what was appropriate to talk about and what wasn’t. When you started talking about how “organized” you think you are, that line got blurred just a little bit more. When you started talking about how the business school doesn’t have classes on Fridays and you would have plenty of time to actually serve as President, which was an obvious slam on me because you business students think you’re the fucking greatest thing on this Earth and that all engineering students do is homework (fun fact: while I may have homework, I actually have time to do things like run clubs, while you just take fucking naps), that line got completely erased, obliterated, thrown out the damn window. You think you did nothing. You’re wrong. You started the whole shit storm avalanche by deciding to run against me and by trying to make it look like I would put this job on the back burner. You started a shit storm by conspiring with your friends to try and put me in a bad light, and these bitches are in here later.

Now, onto Chloe and Taylor, people who probably don’t deserve these letters but are getting one anyways, because why the fuck not.

Chloe and Taylor, there’s only one issue that I feel is necessary to bring up here: I thought we were friends. You said things about me in that discussion that my other friends would not have said about me. Bringing up the time commitment that is engineering without having a shred of understanding of my class schedule or my academic style is what lead to everything crumbling. I don’t like people like that. Chloe, you’re a fucking biology major. Taylor, you switched out of engineering to become a nursing student. What the fuck do you know about my class schedule? I don’t talk to either of you on a daily basis, or even a weekly basis, and you don’t see how I study or how much work I actually get done. So, fuck you. Fuck both of you to the moon and back.

Now it’s time for the people who actually deserve to have these letters written for a multitude of reasons.

Berit, welcome to your letter.

Berit, you and Ellie are the one’s responsible for my downfall. Saying things like “Bonnie is too emotional for this position” is the main reason that I didn’t get it, according to other residents. You also pushed for those fucking absentee ballots and conspired with Madison, Alexa, Ellie, and probably Angela to take me down. So, fuck you. Fuck you for feeling so entitled to having who you wanted to be President be the only seemingly “viable” option. Fuck you for never even bothering with getting to know me, even though we’ve known each other for how many fucking years? At least ten? Sounds like you deserve about ten firm fuck you’s. Berit, it was so hard to not punch you in the face today during Organic Chem lecture. I thought I had made it clear that I didn’t want to interact with you when I made a very loud saying how the joke is on all of you bitches because I’m still going to be at every fucking ASHC meeting, with my emotions in toll. I thought I made it clear when I left five minutes before you, even though we normally walk to class together. I thought I made it clear when I put my backpack in the spot that you normally sit. I thought I made it clear that I wanted you to sit somewhere else, but I guess you’re too dense or self-centered to pick that up. Whatever. Fuck you, Berit. You don’t deserve as many fuck you’s as Ellie, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve at least half as many. So, finally, fuck you.

Ellie, I honestly hate fucking everything about your existence. Your hair, your personality, your “leadership style,” just everything about you. Especially your boyfriend. He’s a douche, honey, and you really need to see that. You’re going to be ASHC President next year. Congratulations! You got this position even though there is literally only about ten people in the whole of schol hall land that actually enjoy your company and don’t just fake a smile around you to prevent you from trash talking on them. Yeah, when I was talking about people trash talking on exec members for literally the entire fucking year I was talking about you. Maybe that bleach finally got to your brain? Who am I to know! I’m too emotional to be able to handle information like that. Maybe I shouldn’t be a doctor or a politician (even though I was voted most likely to be President of the fucking United States by the residents in the hall) because I’m too emotional! Oh no! Bonnie has an opinion on something, let’s just say she’s emotional! That’ll fix everything! Nope. Fuck you, Ellie. You think you’re perfect, or that you’re the only one who can sabotage someone’s status in the hall? Think again bitch. Everyone in the hall thinks I’m nice, and if they hear what you’ve done to Jaelyn this past year then you will be destroyed. I’m going to make you my bitch, Ellie, so be prepared for the coming year. I will make sure that we will never interact again, no matter what it takes. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Finally, we move onto Cena. Cena, you’re the last letter I think I’m going to write, so be prepared for an entire world of hurt.

Cena, Cena, Cena. Outside of “The Clique,” there isn’t anybody in our hall that actually likes you. It’s not even a secret, it’s just something that you choose to ignore. Well, be prepared, because I’m not going to ignore it any longer. If I see you at dinner during finals week I’m not going to hold back. I’m going to say everything that I’ve wanted to say to you over these past two years without restraint. Who knows what I’m going to say? Am I going to say that you’re a fucking bitch? Am I going to say that you’re a whiner who can’t get over losing to someone who is a nicer person than you are? Am I going to say that you are literally the worst person I’ve ever met? Am I going to say that you’ve made people cry just because you could, just because you were slightly angry about something? Who knows! Maybe I’ll say that you look like a fucking fish. Who knows! So, fuck you Cena. I wish that I could punch you in the face. I wish that I would have said everything that I wanted to say to you to your face last year. I don’t care if you would have sicked your little cronies on me. I’m stronger than you bitches think I am, and I’m not as nice as you think I am either. What does an engineering student do in their free time? Plan to take over the world and destroy their enemies. Fuck you, Cena. You’re going to make a horrid nurse, and I hope that I never see you again.

So, be prepared, ladies, if you can even be called that at this point. I’m a nice person, but when I’m wronged I bring a whole world of hurt. You didn’t just say I wasn’t organized, you insulted my personality and who I am as a person. So, I’ll tear you down until you’re not yourself anymore. Be pre-fucking-pared.

*just a note to anyone reading this: i’m a generally happy person, but this is how i sound in my head when i’m angry and i literally just wrote this down in a fit of rage

Sudden Regrets

Last night I decided to go see one of my friends perform live with his band at another Scholarship Hall. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. I’ve gone to see some of my other friends perform at small gigs before and this wouldn’t be any different. However, once you take into consideration that I’ve had a crush on this guy for around a year and a half to two years, it’s a big deal. I’ve always been attracted to musicians, and it’s probably because of that theory that you fall in love with someone similar to your parents. My dad sings and plays the guitar, so it’s only rational that I’d look for someone who also plays an instrument.

Why is this different than any human going to see their person of interest perform live? Well, for starters, my friend, Ben, and I matched on Tinder about a month or two into the school year last fall. This shouldn’t be too awkward, right? I’ve matched with plenty of guys that I know just because I almost always swipe right on people that I know. With Ben, it was different. We’re both in the same engineering leadership program, which made this super awkward and we haven’t really talked the same way since. Throw in the fact that neither of actually planned to match, like my friend Patrick and I did (which was followed by a fist bump and a “good going dude”), and it gets 1000 times more awkward than it was before.

Keep in mind that that was about a year and a half ago. Ben and I have both, presumably, moved past this. We tutor together and can have a nice conversation without it getting too weird and can keep a conversation going during our 7 AM leadership program meetings. I thought I was totally over this little crush I had on him. That was probably a stupid assumption because he’s adorable and always will be, but that’s another issue.

Last night, I saw him and his band play for the first time. I’d seen this group perform before they changed lead singers and Ben joined the group, but I’d never seen Ben actually perform. I knew he sang, I knew he played guitar, and I knew he was a performer. But seeing it with my own eyes was a completely different story. My friend made the joke that I should have brought an extra pair of panties because I would need them after seeing Ben perform, and, oddly enough, she wasn’t wrong. It was literally the weirdest experience of my life because I’ve never been drawn to someone like that. I’ve never wanted to devour someone with my eyes and mouth like I did in that moment with Ben (God I hope my parents never find this). I couldn’t help myself! The only thoughts consuming me were those of Ben and I just making out or even dating or getting married. It was so weird for me because, while I’ve been attracted to guys before, it’s never been this desperate. I still don’t even know how to feel about that experience, but hopefully nobody will ever ask how that made me feel because I don’t think I’d be able to put it into rational or appropriate words.

Anyways, my friend and I leave the show after talking to Ben and gushing to him about how amazing they were. I come home, and literally the second I find my friends in my hall I act all lovey-dovey and start saying things like “I’m so in love” or “I’ve found the human I want to marry.” It’s kind of cute if you think about it, considering I haven’t crushed this hard on someone so quickly during my entire college experience. I couldn’t stop talking about it or him. I was watching the video I got of him performing on repeat for the longest time. It was actually kind of creepy, but I wasn’t really thinking about it at the moment.

Looking back on it, I really regret how I acted and how I was feeling. I acted like a kid in a candy store, which isn’t how I want to act about a human being. Ben is a human being, not a piece of meat for me to lust after! It’s really embarrassing to think about how I presented myself in front of my friends, because I’ve never done that on such a creepy scale before. If I could go back and tell myself that this isn’t the right way to handle your feelings, I would have in a heartbeat.

But I can’t. I can’t change how I acted. I can’t go back in time and make myself not go to the show to prevent myself from feeling these things. The one nice thing about the situation is that Ben is changing majors, so I won’t have to see him around as much anymore. Is this a good thing? Probably, because it would be really hard to focus on my difficult classes next semester if Ben is around me most of the day. Deep down, however, I really want to date him. It’s weird for me because I’ve only ever wanted to date one or two people this much in my entire lifetime.

So, for anybody that could read this, should I give Ben a chance? Should I stop being afraid of what he or others would think if I just went up to him and asked him out for coffee? Who knows, man. Maybe Ben will decide he wants to make a move if he’s interested. Maybe he’s not interested and just wants to be friends. Maybe he’s not interested and isn’t interested in being my friend. I can’t control that. I can’t force him to like me or be interested in me, even though I really wish I could sometimes.