Sudden Regrets

Last night I decided to go see one of my friends perform live with his band at another Scholarship Hall. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. I’ve gone to see some of my other friends perform at small gigs before and this wouldn’t be any different. However, once you take into consideration that I’ve had a crush on this guy for around a year and a half to two years, it’s a big deal. I’ve always been attracted to musicians, and it’s probably because of that theory that you fall in love with someone similar to your parents. My dad sings and plays the guitar, so it’s only rational that I’d look for someone who also plays an instrument.

Why is this different than any human going to see their person of interest perform live? Well, for starters, my friend, Ben, and I matched on Tinder about a month or two into the school year last fall. This shouldn’t be too awkward, right? I’ve matched with plenty of guys that I know just because I almost always swipe right on people that I know. With Ben, it was different. We’re both in the same engineering leadership program, which made this super awkward and we haven’t really talked the same way since. Throw in the fact that neither of actually planned to match, like my friend Patrick and I did (which was followed by a fist bump and a “good going dude”), and it gets 1000 times more awkward than it was before.

Keep in mind that that was about a year and a half ago. Ben and I have both, presumably, moved past this. We tutor together and can have a nice conversation without it getting too weird and can keep a conversation going during our 7 AM leadership program meetings. I thought I was totally over this little crush I had on him. That was probably a stupid assumption because he’s adorable and always will be, but that’s another issue.

Last night, I saw him and his band play for the first time. I’d seen this group perform before they changed lead singers and Ben joined the group, but I’d never seen Ben actually perform. I knew he sang, I knew he played guitar, and I knew he was a performer. But seeing it with my own eyes was a completely different story. My friend made the joke that I should have brought an extra pair of panties because I would need them after seeing Ben perform, and, oddly enough, she wasn’t wrong. It was literally the weirdest experience of my life because I’ve never been drawn to someone like that. I’ve never wanted to devour someone with my eyes and mouth like I did in that moment with Ben (God I hope my parents never find this). I couldn’t help myself! The only thoughts consuming me were those of Ben and I just making out or even dating or getting married. It was so weird for me because, while I’ve been attracted to guys before, it’s never been this desperate. I still don’t even know how to feel about that experience, but hopefully nobody will ever ask how that made me feel because I don’t think I’d be able to put it into rational or appropriate words.

Anyways, my friend and I leave the show after talking to Ben and gushing to him about how amazing they were. I come home, and literally the second I find my friends in my hall I act all lovey-dovey and start saying things like “I’m so in love” or “I’ve found the human I want to marry.” It’s kind of cute if you think about it, considering I haven’t crushed this hard on someone so quickly during my entire college experience. I couldn’t stop talking about it or him. I was watching the video I got of him performing on repeat for the longest time. It was actually kind of creepy, but I wasn’t really thinking about it at the moment.

Looking back on it, I really regret how I acted and how I was feeling. I acted like a kid in a candy store, which isn’t how I want to act about a human being. Ben is a human being, not a piece of meat for me to lust after! It’s really embarrassing to think about how I presented myself in front of my friends, because I’ve never done that on such a creepy scale before. If I could go back and tell myself that this isn’t the right way to handle your feelings, I would have in a heartbeat.

But I can’t. I can’t change how I acted. I can’t go back in time and make myself not go to the show to prevent myself from feeling these things. The one nice thing about the situation is that Ben is changing majors, so I won’t have to see him around as much anymore. Is this a good thing? Probably, because it would be really hard to focus on my difficult classes next semester if Ben is around me most of the day. Deep down, however, I really want to date him. It’s weird for me because I’ve only ever wanted to date one or two people this much in my entire lifetime.

So, for anybody that could read this, should I give Ben a chance? Should I stop being afraid of what he or others would think if I just went up to him and asked him out for coffee? Who knows, man. Maybe Ben will decide he wants to make a move if he’s interested. Maybe he’s not interested and just wants to be friends. Maybe he’s not interested and isn’t interested in being my friend. I can’t control that. I can’t force him to like me or be interested in me, even though I really wish I could sometimes.

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